How much ‘confidential’ church information do you share with you spouse?
You know… board meeting stuff… who says what… who you’re counseling and what the issues are.
Do you share stuff like that with your wife or not?
It seems that most of the time, there are two different types of people… those that share everything, and those that share nothing.
I’m one of the ‘I share almost everything’ types of guys. My wife is my confidant. She encourages me, and she talks me off the cliff at times.
But I couldn’t keep a sane head if I couldn’t confide in her.
Others I know are the opposite, and tell their wives next to nothing.
Megan Hill writes on this subject in a guest post at ChristianPost.com. She writes:
And that expectation gets imposed on the church.
But pastors and their wives often don’t see it like that. The reality is, the church is something altogether different than a doctor’s office. And your relationship with your pastor is not your relationship with a therapist.
The church is a body. An organic being in which each part is affected by the other.
And this is why pastors and their wives share with one another.
The problems and sins and needs that people bring to their pastor are not isolated letters to a remote advice columnist. (Nor are they unusual or inherently interesting, as some might suppose. We’ve all dealt with the same things. The root of murder is anger, says Jesus, and of adultery, lust.) Instead, the issues people have are part of their whole, eternal self. And their self is part of the body. And that body is the responsibility of the pastor, its under-shepherd.
Pastoring is a long-term commitment to a comprehensive relationship. A pastor tells his wife because what happens to the church happens to him. And what happens to him, happens to her. (That’s the way marriage works.)
Here’s the thing I wish people knew: when your pastor tells his wife something about you, it’s not really about you.
This is what I heard from the pastors’ wives I interviewed:
“If [my husband] is sad, I’ll notice. So he tells me.”
“If I could give any advice to a pastor, I would say keep sharing your heart with your wife. She loves you and is there for you. She does not need all the details, but she needs your heart and your vulnerability.”
“[My husband] is very open with his life. He tells me everything pertaining to his ministry. He tells me details of counseling sessions and personal information of those he ministers to and with. He processes through talking and he feels connected to me when he can share his life with me.”
“I need to be a listening ear. We have had situations where [my husband] felt betrayed in the church. . . I am glad he shared those things with me. It was hard to hear, but I am called to bear his burdens as he is mine.”
For pastors and their wives, it’s not about the secret information. It’s about the fact that having certain secrets can burden an individual and damage a marriage.
What do you think? How much do YOU share with your wife (spouse)? Are there things that you don’t tell her… EVER?
Do you think there are issues of confidentiality that are ever breached during a husband/wife discussion?
Leave a comment…
The simple act of posting a status update on Facebook can make you feel more connected, researchers have found — even if no one pays attention to your update.
The study, conducted by the Universitat Berlin, focused on the Facebook posts of 100 student volunteers at the University of Arizona over the course of a week.
The students were asked to do two things: fill out forms assessing their mental health and well-being throughout the week, and post to Facebook more than they normally would. A control group wrote exactly their regular amount of updates.
I don’t know Pastor Robert Earl Houston, but he has some interesting advice for “Angry Pastors”
#1 – FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO QUICKLY. Anger within a preacher can be a dangerous thing – especially when you don’t utilize wise counsel. I have found out that the mistakes I’ve made were due to the fact that I reacted without talking with someone who could have given me another way of looking at an issue. In San Diego, that person was Dr. Willie James Smith, pastor of the Calvary Baptist Church, who is now in Glory. Willie (please forgive the informality) was great because he was a Mississippian with a heavy southern drawl and he had pastoral experience, a summa cum laude from Bishop College and had a doctoral degree in dealing with church conflicts. He would remind me “Houston, that ain’t worth a hill of beans” or “Houston, slow your roll,” or “Houston, stand your ground.” A pastor needs another pastor – not a person who would sign off on everything that comes to your mind – but someone who will be objective enough to say “NO” or, when needed, “HELL NO” without risking losing the relationship. Sometimes, that person has to be found from without your immediate ranks. But find someone to talk to before you say something you will regret for the rest of your ministry.
#2 – DON’T PUT IT IN WRITING. Whatever you do, don’t make the mistake that some pastors make and take the fight from the church and finish it off on Facebook. That NEVER works. Repeat, that NEVER works. For the hard of hearing THAT NEVER WORKS. Here’s why: What may be a one on one clash can now become a “Twilight” fight. In the movie series, “Twilight,” fans were either Team Edward or Team Jacob. Fans chose Team Edward or Team Jacob even though they would never engage in personal combat. That’s how some people will view a pastor’s rebuke online – they’ll be Team Pastor or Team Member instead of becoming Team Jesus. I’ve had the opportunity lately to counsel several pastors, some who I don’t even know, when I read their “blowing off steam” posts on Facebook. Even in a private room for preachers, you have to be careful. The best quote is this: “You can’t misquote silence.”
#3 – DON’T TAKE IT TO THE PULPIT. Never, ever make the pulpit into your personal battle station. I know that’s the inclination but remember, the pulpit does not belong to you. It belongs to the Lord and on Sunday morning people come to hear a word from the Lord. Now, that’s not to say that there are not times when a pastor has to do some rebuking – that is biblical. However, you can rebuke outside of the context of your sermon and not try to take a scripture out of context to hammer somebody over the head. Now, if someone in the church tries to “read between the lines” that’s on them. But if you’re preaching the gospel without a fight in the back of your mind, the Holy Spirit will stand up and protect the preacher. Dr. Melvin Von Wade, Sr. is an advocate of this and several years ago in our State Convention in California, he recommended preaching from the gospels during a fight – but leave the personal stuff out of the sermon. Remember, there are those who gather every Sunday to hear us that really don’t care about church politics. They come there to hear a word from the Lord and not from the Lord’s angry preacher.
#4 – DON’T MAKE YOUR FAMILY PAY. I know a pastor who went through a hellified business meeting. His wife was at home praying for him throughout the meeting. He came home and when she asked how it went, he proceeded to curse her out and beat her up. When taken to the hospital and the doctor was examining her, he asked her what happened and she said, “He couldn’t beat them, so he beat me.” Pastors must make sure to draw a line in the concrete, not in the sand, that no matter how angry the parishioners make you, that you don’t make your wife or your children or even your pets become surrogates for your anger. The spouse has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO with your fight. Your children have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR FIGHT. When its all over, you wind up with a bigger scandal on your hand than before. If you feel a need to strike or hit someone – hit the books. If you feel a need to step to someone, step to the Lord in prayer. If you feel the the need to curse someone out, get in a room BY YOURSELF, grab a mirror, and CURSE YOUR OWN DAG-GUM SELF OUT, get it all out of your system, and love the family that God has blessed you with.
#5 – GET A LIFE. I don’t mean any harm but many pastors are just . . . pastors. They have no hobbies. They have no interests. They are pastors 24/7, 365 days a year – and there’s nothing wrong with that – except, you need some time to yourself. You need to grow as an individual. You need some interests. I’ve seen pastors who you couldn’t talk to them about football because that’s “unholy.” Or talk to them about jazz because “that’s the devil’s music.” Please. Every pastor needs an outside of the church interest. For me, it ranges from travel to sports to politics to horseback riding to movies to cooking to architecture. When I was in San Diego one of my best friends was (is) Dr. A.B. Vines. Vines was a pastor in the community and both of our churches were rapidly growing even though we had different backgrounds. I was National Baptist, he was Southern Baptist bred. He’s from the East Coast, I’m from the West Coast. He had kids growing up in his house, I didn’t. I was a hooper, He was a lecturer. We were (are) best friends. We would call each other on Sunday nights to compare notes on how our services went and we were competitive with each other, but in a non-threatening way. We would laugh about the craziest things. However, we were movie fans and we would go to opening nights of movies together and hang out. I remember one night we went to see Star Wars Chapter 3 on opening night and we were dressed casually as we sat among Princess Leia and several Wookies and Chewbacas. You cannot keep your sanity without having an outside interest. So get a life – learn how to swim, learn how to play the piano, drive in the country. But please, get a life.
I hope that this will help some pastor, somewhere to keep cool when others are losing their minds.
// Read more here… Dear Angry Pastor
I’m thinking we could settle this with an old-fashioned duel.
Last man standing wins.
Pat Robertson has been accused by evangelical Christian and creationism proponent Ken Ham of “destructive teaching,” after the televangelist stated that the existence of dinosaurs is evidence that Young Earth Creationists are wrong about the planet being 6,000 years old.
Christian Broadcasting Network spokesman Chris Roslan told The Christian Post on Friday, however, that “Dr. Robertson stands by his comments.”
The controversy arose earlier this week when Robertson, co-hosting his “The 700 Club” program on CBN, dismissed the theory that the earth is only 6,000 years old, which Ken Ham, CEO and founder of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum, took offense to.
“Not only do we have to work hard to not let our kids be led astray by the anti-God teaching of the secularists, we have to work hard to not let them be led astray by compromising church leaders like Pat Robertson,” Ham said Wednesday in a post on Facebook.
“Pat Robertson gives more fodder to the secularists. We don’t need enemies from without the church when we have such destructive teaching within the church,” Ham added in the statement shared with those following his non-profit Christian apologetics ministry on Facebook.
Ham took offense to comments Robertson made earlier this week on his show, when responding to a viewer’s question about what to tell children about dinosaurs and the Bible.
// Read more here: Ken Ham of Creation Museum Slams Robertson for Dismissing Young Earth Theory.
Just what we need. More Christians fighting.
I wonder if God is chuckling or if he’s just not amused.
What do you think?
Facebook provides an interesting look for pastors into the lives of their congregation.
Sometimes very interesting.
But should information gleaned from Facebook or social media be used by pastors as spiritual tools, or even reason for church discipline?
Father Gary LaMoine of Assumption Church in Barnesville, MN says a post from a 17-year-old parishioner Lennon Cihak on Facebook showing that he was helping defeat a marriage amendment in Minnesota that would have defined marriage as between a man and a woman.
Father LaMoine prevented Cihak from taking communion.
So… what do YOU think?
Chances are, you’ve already seen some things on some of your church attender’s Facebook and Twitter feeds that made you uncomfortable.
What do you do when this happens?
Do you confront?
What if this person is one of your leaders?
QUESTION: Should social networking posts and profiles have any impact on what you do as a pastor or church leader?
How do you approach this?
Please leave a comment…
Nearly half of Americans think so.
According to Mashable: A poll conducted by the Associated Press and CNBC found that 46% of respondents think Facebook will fade away as new platforms come along in the future. However, about 43% believe the site will likely be successful for the long haul.
So… what do YOU think?
My guess is that it will fade just like most things do.
So will Twitter.
It will be like a cassette tape. Or a CD (for that matter).
We’ll still be connecting online, but with something newer and shinier than Facebook.
Using facebook in 2015 may be like sending a fax today.
As we’ve seen… things change quickly… very quickly.
What do YOU think the future will look like? Will Facebook be a huge part of it or not?
And how are YOU using Facebook differently today than you did… say… a year ago?
(For me… I use Facebook primarily with people that I actually know in real life. I use Twitter to follow people around ideas and thoughts.)
Would love to hear your input!
I wonder if this is true.
I do think the devil loves the perpetual “forward this if you…” stuff on Facebook. Never attached that to the power of his pitchfork though. Could be:
See if this looks familiar:
Uh… an important reason to make sure your Facebook and other internet passwords are secure, Pastor…
Don’t be this guy.
According to a new study conducted by sociologists Hui-Tzu Grace Chou and Nicholas Edge at Utah Valley University, research showed a correlation between a Facebook user’s disposition about their life and the amount of time spent on the social network. Approximately 425 students were asked to identify how much they agreed or disagreed with statements like “Life is fair” and “Many of my friends have a better life than me.” In addition, the students were asked about how much time they spent on Facebook, their number of Facebook friends as well as how many of those friends they had actually met in person. The researchers also attempted controlling for factors like relationship status, gender, religious beliefs and race.
Seeing a pattern emerge, the two sociologists discovered that as people spend more time on Facebook, they start to believe that others have a better life than they do. Within the paper, Chou and Edge stated “Those who have used Facebook longer agreed more that others were happier, and agreed less that life is fair, and those spending more time on Facebook each week agreed more that others were happier and had better lives. Furthermore, those that included more people whom they did not personally know as their Facebook “friends” agreed more that others had better lives.”
Read more here… (HT: DigitalTrends.com)
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